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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Avoiding Arguments with Kids

Tips for Avoiding and Reducing Arguments With Kids

By Susan Carney

Spend less time fighting with teens by using these six suggestions for coping with power struggles.


Relationships between teens and adults are full of disagreements. Often, however, these
disagreements escalate into full-blown battles. Why? Because teens are developmentally
programmed to resist limits and adults need to enforce them. But there are things adults can do to
navigate these situations with as little fighting as possible.

Being Consistent


Kids will find any hole they can crawl through. Plus, if they know an adult is likely to wobble,
that only increases their resolve to argue or resist. Adults, who do what they say they will, and
enforce their rules each and every time, will have fewer issues with power struggles than those
who don’t.

Staying Calm


When kids test limits or are disrespectful, it’s easy for adults to get emotional. However, when
adults get upset, the intensity level of the entire situation increases. The goal should be to stay
calm, and help the child stay (or regain) calm. Raising one’s voice, becoming irrational, saying
something that may later be regretted, or other unproductive reactions are all possible when
emotions get involved.

Dealing with kids can be upsetting: be sure to use the traditional strategies to stay calm, such
as counting to ten, taking deep breaths, and using positive self-talk. Temporarily leaving the
situation may even be necessary.

Offering Reasonable Choices


Power struggles happen in part because teens feel a sense of powerlessness. Limits and
consequences, though necessary, often add to that feeling. Sometimes, giving kids some limited
choices can help them feel a sense of control and, often more importantly, save face. For
example if a teen has to complete a task or chore he finds unpleasant, offer him a choice about
when he does it.

Staying Respectful


Kids are often rude and disrespectful to adults. Unfortunately, adults often tend to “give what
they get”. However, meanness, sarcasm, insults, and other jabs are not going to win the battle or
the war. What they will do is diminish and damage the adults’ relationship with the teen, perhaps
irreparably. Remember that the adult needs to take the high road here. Also, avoid switching
the focus of the situation onto the teens’ attitude; that only dilutes the importance of the issue at
hand. Instead, address any disrespect at another time.

Keeping Consequences Proportionate


When kids are driving adults crazy and emotions are running high, it can be tempting to throw
out harsh and permanent consequences (i.e., “You’re grounded forever.”) Wildly irrational
consequences are meaningless to teens because they know they won’t stick. Try hard to keep the
consequences proportionate to what has happened. If necessary, take some time to calm down
and reflect before deciding on them. Or better still; involve the teen in discussing what they think
appropriate consequences would be.

Keep Consequences Enforceable


The source of many power struggles is often a consequence that relies on the teen’s cooperation
(extra chores, more homework) to enforce. Consequences that the adult has complete control
over (allowance, privileges, etc.) are better because there’s less risk of another fight when the
consequence is implemented.

By keeping emotions in check, staying respectful, and keeping consequences appropriate, adults
can do a lot to reduce power struggles with headstrong teens.

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